Cry Baby

When you cry on a pillow
Or tears fall on your cheek
It's just emotions overflowing
Not a sign of being weak

We show emotions in different ways
We can often lose control
We cry of memories cherished
The ones in my heart and soul

So when I cry I'm not ashamed
It's not a thing I try to hide
Teardrops flow when I feel pain
Why keep it bottled inside

Source: http://www.things-to-say.com/greeting-poem/teardrops.htm

I’ll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me.
I’ve got my pride,
And I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain:
I’ll do my crying in the rain.
Someday when my crying’s done,
I’m gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun.
I may be a fool,
But till then, darling, you’ll
Never see me complain:
I’ll do my crying in the rain.

Author: Howard Greenfield

So i put on my make up put a smile on my face and if anyone ask me everything is ok, I'm laughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me cuz im dyin inside with my pride and a smile on my face...on my face singing, la la la, la la, lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la la laaaa

Artist: Tamia




Okay, what's with all the boohoo reference? Well, to put it bluntly, I abhor the idea of bawling my eyes out - I hate crying. Every time I cry I feel terrible, like I did something appalling. I don't know who instilled that idea in my head, that crying is bad, but it's stuck with me. It's supposed to alleviate the soul or something, take the pain away, but for me, it just seems to make me miserable.

It's not that I don't cry, I do, I just don't cry in public. When my Grandfather died (Dec 11, 2001) we were in Perpetual, room 7 of the ICU- every one was crying, except me... When I got home, when I was in the confines of my room, that's when I allowed myself to cry. A friend of mine (since we were psych students) told me that I am a very repressed individual (hopefully I won't become some sociopath as a result of all this). What does that mean? (for non psych majors)

Psych Terms 101

Repression is a defense mechanism first described by Sigmund Freud, as a way that people keep unpleasant memories out of their conscious mind. Repression is a compensatory style that deals with threat and stress by blocking unpleasant emotional experiences that might bring up anxiety, distress and vulnerability.

They feel attacked and then distance and isolate from others when they are stressed. They avoid talking about and rehashing unpleasant experiences as this adds to their stress. They become emotionally inaccessible to others when they feel the problem has been solved by their solution of dismissing it.

(Source: http://www.angriesout.com/grown16.htm)

Short Notes:
Repressed individuals do not like:
a. confronting their problems, they escape from it or block it out
b. to talk about their problems, it makes them more upset about it

Truth to tell, I don't let people in, I have a wall of ice surrounding my heart that people have to thaw in order to really get to the core- or get to know me. People say I'm very complex- I am. I'm compelled to blog about this, because for some unfathomable reason I have experienced many bawling attacks just recently, much to my sheer vexation. I thought only one person could break me, it seems two or three people have acquired that power AND it scares the living daylights out of me.

Yes, I am rather odd right? As a child, I was kept in seclusion, I wasn't allowed to go out and play (till I entered school I think). As a result of being kept in "captivity" I had trouble making friends when I entered Nursery, or actually, I didn't want to make friends, I wanted to be alone. That is why I was called "The Queen" by my teachers, on account of the fact that in a very regal way; I often dismissed the very friendly kids that tried to play with me, like they were paupers. It's funny right?

Slowly I did learn to socialize, but I'm pretty much a huge recluse. Back then, I mostly enjoyed sitting in a corner and reading books. All my life I have been kept in seclusion, not allowed to party at night or go on long jaunts in the mall- protective parents you see...

About the socializing thing, I have friends, not a lot, but I have friends. I don't like to keep a gigantic circle of friends. I prefer to have let's say: one or two close buds whom I totally trust. I mean, there are "friends" that keep you company, "friends" that you went to school with, "friends" that you work with, "friends" that you party with- but when times are rough, and some of the aforementioned "friends" bail out on you- that's when you know who your real friends are, the people who actually can tell when you're in the doldrums even before you speak about it- those are the friends I keep close.

Unfortunately, not all my friends know me. It's not their fault- I just like the cloak and dagger life. I'm like Batman, somebody very close to me said in jest."You're just like Batman, and your Batcave is your room..."

Song stuck in my head (my best friend's favorite song, or at least one of them)

my favorite part

So live like you mean it
Love til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

Hold on before its too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

Hmmm... how in the world will people get to know me?

Trish 101

1. I'm a girl and I'm Batman

TO BE CONTINUED