Her Last Breath

Someone asked me after the cooling down of a rather tumultuous disaster in my life (not that I didn't have plenty to deal with already) but yes, as that happened, I was asked, "Will you still be the same person?", "Are things going to change after this?"

Here's a quote from one of my favorite movies: Little Black Book (2004)
Stacy: Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?
Stacy: Answer, she doesn't.

There's your answer... I'm not going to be the same person, and yes, I AM going to change.

Nobody really knows this other than the people who have been with me for more than 5 years, but I am a product of a series of unfortunate events - who isn't? But, that's it. It is said that if you go through hell, you shouldn't take pictures, i.e. if you experience the greatest forms of adversity in your life, you shouldn't allow it to break you. It didn't break me, it just left several gaping cracks...

I have become disheartened by what I have learned from a recent experience, which has caused me to yet again flee into the confines of my place of solace... My mind. I can sit quietly and roam to any place I wish- in my mind, or if that paints a picture of me being slightly crazy, then I retreat to my room. The only place where I can be safe... Scratch that, I still have another sanctuary... the arms of the person that I deeply care about. But, enough about that. The point is, the wall is up again. I am wary and guarded, like a trapped Tiger baring my teeth, roaring, daring my captives or attackers to take one step forward. The mistake was mine, for believing that I was ready to trust people. I will never, NEVER make that mistake again.

I have discovered the folly in my ways and I'm grateful that I have the chance to correct this egregious oversight. I knew better, but I ignored the voice in my head. I did not take heed of the voice that told me that I was being unwise by believing that people have evolved to posses minds that actually function properly. I stand corrected, people still have primitive minds after all. Pity.

I have changed. I no longer feel the need to be pleasant and downright agreeable all the time. I will be damn well disagreeable and unpleasant when I want to. Back then, I used to curb my tongue, thinking it would be imprudent to speak my mind. To hell with that! I will be bloody blunt now, it suits me- it feels so damn good.

Knowledge is a terrible and marvelous thing. When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit it opened their eyes to things that they were blissfully unaware of- like the fact that they were stark raving naked!!! It caused them to feel shame and hide in the bushes. I'd like to think that I had a bite of that same fruit, and now I see things differently as well. I can honestly say the things and people that I adored and was rather attached to before, are now rather repugnant and disposable to me.

I realized that I don't need a lot of people in my life. Actually, I can probably count the people that I consider indispensable in one hand- I can stretch it to two (maybe). And among those people, I can honestly say only 2 of them know me to the very core... The good, the bad, and the ugly side of me... One of them described me as a very powerful person, capable of doing anything that I set my heart to. The way I was being described, it sounded like I was dangerous. I voiced out that thought, and was surprised to be told that "You are dangerous, you just don't use that power all the time...because you are a good person..."

Interesting.

Now I know that some people are not what they seem to be. I knew that before, but I always stuck by my rule to accept a person right away, leaving no room for doubts or prejudice. It seems I needed to be schooled in the world of reality, because It seems being nice, does become one's downfall sometimes.

I'm amused that the rose tinted glasses that I once wore over my eyes somehow fell off revealing the rather ugly and weak side of human beings, particularly the "human beings" in my life... Some of them anyway. Quel dommage!

Yes, some of the people in my life whom I thought could be pillars of strength, turned out to be rusty support poles. God! I just wanted to rip my hair out in frustration. I wanted to scream "Get a grip!". But then, it's not their fault, because once again, I was faced with the truth of it all. I should never ever depend on others, because the best person to turn to for strength, would be ME, MYSELF, & I.

Me.

The truth hurts as they say, and one brave individual in my life took it upon herself to deliver the mighty blow of the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... God love her! that lady knows how to dish out the truth...
I thought the truth would kill me, but amazingly enough, it empowered me. I loved it. It was what I needed to... excuse my language : Get my shit together.

The glory of winning the battle goes to the cruel world, but mark my words I will win the war.

You edge your way in,
Taking what I held dear,
Now I will kill your heart,
By using that which you fear.
~VonKalkmann~

I don't ever plan to leave the confines of my mind for a long time. I'm doing this for me. I have realized that more often that not, I feel better when I am alone.

After all, I am a lone wolf. I don't need other members of a pack to hunt with, they will only slow me down and undermine my strength. It's better off for me to leave them to face the elements by themselves than to face the dark abyss of the woods with them by my side, acting like a third leg or a blasted crutch. It's kill or be killed after all. Survival of the fittest, only the strong survive and the weak becomes food for the vultures or the worms...

If you're curious why the title of this blog is called "Her Last Breath" it's simple. The girl everyone knew, the one with wide doe-eyed innocence and believed in the good that the world and what other people had to offer her has died... Oh, no, no before you assume that adversity is the culprit, that adversity was the one that held the knife that took her life... Let me just dispel that notion.

Adversity didn't kill her..

I DID.


Question:
How can an arcane black rose be seen in a garden filled with mesmeric and unsubtly beautiful raging red roses?

Answer:
It stands out, much to the sheer vexation of the other roses. It will be the bane of their existence, and soon enough the mission to eradicate any trace of that black rose will become their obsession . They can crowd around it to suffocate its roots, crowd around it, to keep the sun from reaching it- They can basically do everything to destroy that rose, but they will never keep the world from seeing it. Because you can't help but notice a black rose in a garden filled with ordinary red roses.

The end has come, and nobody can stop me now.
I've had enough of the world's pretensions and the master pretenders who carry them out
Everyone assumed I would peacefully go back to the way things were
They were sorely mistaken
That story has ended rather tragically
A new page has turned, and my character in the new story has got an axe to grind....

Honorable Men 2

“One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them”

~Thomas Sowell~

I'm back to the topic of honorable men, why? well, because I have come to discern the essence of what makes a man- A MAN.

I know one man in particullar whom I am quite lucky to have in my life. He's the paragon of men. A man that a woman can truly depend on both during the good times and the bad.

When the first Superman movie came out I was frequently asked "What is a hero?"…My answer was that a hero is someone who commits a courageous action without considering the consequences…
Now my definition is completely different.

I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.... ~Christopher Reeve~

Growing up I was often fascinated by the idea of “Prince Charming”, okay, that's not entirely true, I was obsessed with the idea of Prince Charming. You can't blame me, I suppose every girl has a thing for him. Perhaps Disney should be blamed for the hype over this guy... As I grew up, this obsession was further fed by all the romance novels that I read- talking about dashing and rather passionate men sweeping women off their feet, fighting duels in their honor, and dazzling them with him charm... Seriously, who wouldn't want that?

As of late, I am compelled to reflect on my crazy idolatry for Prince Charming. This fellow has been such a fascination to me that I hoped and prayed that I would someday meet him... Alas... No man with a white horse ever graced my doorstep (SIGH).

As I grew up, I realized it's a little far-fetched, even short of quixotic to believe that such a person exists, but in time as I gained a little bit of experience, certain situations have allowed me to take off the rose tinted glasses and see the big picture. The Prince Charming of the past is extinct, but we still have living breathing normal men today who have certain qualities that fit the category... Hmm... actually, I didn't want Prince Charming, I wanted a real man...A man of honor...

The pickings are slim though...

You see, there are men out there who love to claim that they are honorable, who puff themselves up like proud turkeys, boasting of their strength and valor, and when the first test of adversity comes, he cowers like a chicken that got its head cut off. Running whichever way he can, not knowing where to go or what to do.

Women can defend themselves well enough in this day and age, we don't need to be saved from dragons and villains all the time, but there are moments when we do need to be saved.

I can tell you of a man that any woman would love to possess. He is not the type who would impulsively break bones, pick fights, or engage in verbal battles for her - he should be smart enough to know what to do and how to act. Men who simply plow through situations like enraged bulls are just testosterone morons. A real man would know to take into account every aspect, angle, & detail of certain problems or situations before jumping into the fray.

Women need men who are knights in shining armor, Not a knight in shining tin can, who is very much still a boy...

What makes someone a real man?

A man who prides himself through his strength, his material possessions, the job he has, or the number of women he has taken to bed... is not a man!!!

Take all of that away, what are you left with? Some insecure fellow who defines himself with all his accomplishments, conquests, and possessions. That is all he is, that is his identity.

No, no... A man is someone who owns and uses the most vital gifts that he possesses, his mind and his heart. The mind is probably the most important one he can utilize.f y

are a man of honor, your actions are alwd, but as a whole, you are For neither birth, nor wealth, nor honors, can awaken in the minds of men the principles which should guide those who from their youth aspire to an honorable and excellent life, as Love awakens them” ~Plato~

re's my take on men of honor, they should live by this code:

That which is truthful, uphold it.
That which is right, fight for it.
Protect the weak, avenge the persecuted.
Live your life vicariously by doing the right things - always keep your integrity intact.
Always believe in yourself, never allow any hint of doubt to corrode your spirit.
Hate is the most powerful emotion, the exact opposite of love. Never allow yourself to succumb to the feeling. Always believe that greater things are achieved through love than hate.
Love a woman with all your heart, leave no room for anything else. For the greatest act of perfidy you can commit to a woman is to never uphold the vow to cherish her.
Live life everyday with the knowledge that you are leaving a legacy to everyone, most especially the people who love you. Live your life well, for you will be remembered for the things that you did, not the things that you planned to do.
Regret is one feeling that always happens when it is just too late to change things...
Seize every moment to seal your name in the hearts of others.
Or die with regrets & be forgotten...

The Power of an Idea

Evey Hammond: Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot... But what of the man? I know his name was Guy Fawkes and I know, in 1605, he attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament. But who was he really? What was he like? We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love... And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man... A man that made me remember the Fifth of November. A man that I will never forget.

V: Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof.

These are lines taken from the movie “V for Vendetta” a remarkable tale of a man with a voracious appetite for justice and revenge. The movie was spell binding and absolutely amazing. I loved the movie not because it was action packed, or for the simple fact that Hugo Weaving and Natalie Portman starred in it. I loved the movie because it taught me the simple lesson that it does not take much to change the world...

Actually, all you need is one person to take action...
What does it take to change the world?

Answer: One simple act of ANTHING. An act of kindness, charity, or LOVE.

I live by the following code:

1. Do things for others (offer assistance etc.)

2. Do things that I do not want to do, that needs to be done. (A chore)

3. Do something for myself.

4. Do a mental exercise. (reading / learning)

5. Do a physical exercise. (taking care of my body)

6. Make someone happy everyday.

7. Always think positive thoughts.

Truth be told, I want to change the world.

It is true, peace is not the opposite of war- au contraire...it is creation. We need to become the change we want to see in the world. We need to create good things or share “goodness” to others in order for it to exist in the world.

The other day as I sat in the car I saw this little boy selling Lemonsito in the street. He was selling it for 50 pesos and he stopped by my window pleading for me to buy his wares. I wanted to help him, my heart practically bled just watching him. He looked so young, about 7 or 8 and I wondered, where was his parents? Does he go to school? Did he have anything to eat? My mind raced with so many questions, and the biggest one that echoed in my mind was: what could I do?

Indeed, what could I do? Buy the two bags of Lemonsito and miraculously he would have a better life? I sat there and stared at him smiling sadly, in my mind I heard myself say “I'm sorry”. He understood the silent message and stepped back.

As I watched him walking away, I noticed that he didn't even have slippers on and a part of me just felt guilty that I didn't do anything.I felt the horrible weight of helplessness ease into my soul.

Again, my mind echoed the words: What could I do?

Back in College we would park near STC to wait for my brother to be done with his tutorials. I often read a good book while waiting for him. There was this one instance wherein it was raining so hard, I looked up from the book that I was reading and my gaze collided with a pair of sad eyes. It was a girl, she was standing outside our car in the pouring rain. For a moment we just stared at each other, she didn't say anything. She didn't beg at all, she just stood there staring at me while torrents of raindrops fell on her. My Dad handed me some biscuits and I opened the window to offer it to her. She took them wordlessly, she smiled sadly as if saying “Thank you” and walked away. I felt something gnawing at my insides as I watched the girl walk away, drenched and cold. Something stirred inside me, it felt like a deep sadness and empathy.

Why can't I help her?

A couple of months ago my family and I were enjoying our Sunday evening having dinner at Mattias (not sure of the spelling). As we ate, my sister and I couldn't help but notice an old lady standing by the sidelines clutching an armload of things wrapped with newspaper- later on we found out that she was selling slippers. She looked sad and a little lost. She approached people trying to get them to buy slippers from her, but she was ignored. I looked at my sister, and my sister looked at my Mom and somehow I read their minds: “Let's help her”. So, my Mom the total softie that she is called the lady over. She sat with us, seemingly grateful to be able to put down her heavy load. My Mom then amicably engaged the woman into a conversation. What she told us, changed the way I saw the world. She told us that she was living with her grandkids and one of her daughters. She said that she was their only means of support. Their parents (the other kids) as well as her husband had left her years ago, not even bothering to send letters or money. 1979 was the last time she heard from her husband and he only sent her 20 pesos- my heart broke. I thought that was the only sordid part of the tale, it didn't end there. She told us that she tried to take her own life, the dire circumstances that she experienced had broken her spirit and she wanted to be free from it, but as she stood before a car in Fuente Osmeña she realized that she had a daughter and grandkids who needed her- she stepped back. The 5 of us (My parents, my sister, my brother & I) felt humbled and moved to the point of tears by the gentle old Lady's plight, we bought her dinner and we also bought some slippers from her. That night, as we drove home I thought about all the other people here in Cebu as well as the world who were living lives quite similar or perhaps worse than that of the old lady (I believe her name was Corazon?). Again, my heart went out to all of them, and the question popped into my head:

What could I do?

I keep saying: Someday, I will help them. Someday, I will do something to alleviate their plight... I'm 21 years old and I don't really know if I have helped anyone. I don't know if I have changed a person's life...

I would love traveling the world to spread hope, it would be a thrill to speak in front of millions, spreading awareness about the plight of people living in poverty, people who crave the love of others, people in need.

What can I do? I keep asking myself?

Sometimes I lie awake at night dreaming about the future... Someday things will be better, someday the evils of the world will come to an end... When is someday going to happen?

It took a while for me to realize that, I can't keep waiting for the world to change. I realized I could start small. Like planting a small seed that will soon grow into a mighty Sequoia- the testament of an idea.

What is that idea?
To change the world, we start small. First we start with ourselves, then our family, friends... and then it will just spread out...

The time to act is at hand.

We all have the power to change the world, we just don't know how to start...

It starts with one act. A random act of kindness towards a person in need, a friend, a stranger... It may not mean much to us, but to them, it may mean a great deal.

Life is short, we all have to make the most of what time we have. We might as well do our part to make our mark in this world.

In the end, I want to be remembered as a person who touched the lives of others...

I already have an idea... I just need to put it into action...

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

Epicurus

I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there.
I don't know if you will listen to a humble prayer.
They tell me I am just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you...
Still I see your face, and wonder, were you once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth.
Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth.
The lost and forgotten, they look to you still.
God help the outcasts, or nobody will.

I ask for nothing, I can get by.
But I know so many less lucky than I.
God help the outcasts, the poor and downtrod.
I thought we all were the children of God.

I don't know if there's a reason;
why some are blessed, some not.
Why the few you seem to favor --
they fear us, flee us, try not to see us.

God help the outcasts, the tattered, the torn.
Seeking an answer to why they were born.
Winds of misfortune have blown them about.
You made the outcasts, don't cast them out.

The poor and unlucky, the weak and the odd.
I thought we all were the children of God.

~Hunchback of Notre Dame Soundtrack~

Sleep

Here I am wide awake begging for the sandman to pay me a visit. I lie in bed staring at the ceiling and the words to a song float in my mind....

I can feel you calling
There's no place that I'd rather be
Just here with you, sleeping
If only in my mind

Until then I'll sleep
Sleep.




Sleep... What I'd give to have the blissful surrender of sleep enveloping me, leading me to the dark abyss of dreamland.



Ah... dreams, now that is something I have been obsessing about as of late. You see, I have been having the most insane dreams lately, and it always ends up with me locked in an embrace with a masked man, a very mysterious stranger, a stranger who happens to be a very passionate kisser (was that too much information???).
Yes, I had this dream where I was in a masquerade ball wearing a gypsy costume with a matching mask and I danced with several charming men, but as a new song played in the background the crowd parted to reveal this man dressed in black who approached me for a dance. It happened in slow motion, it was as if everything in the room was reduced to that moment. He was approaching me, his eyes locked with mine. It was bewitching actually, as he came closer, I was torn from the feeling of trepidation and curiosity, because a part of me somehow had a feeling that I knew who was behind that mask, but I was not entirely sure...


He takes my hand, and leads me to the floor, it seems everyone has disappeared leaving only the two of us. We dance in silence and the whole time I kept staring into his eyes, wondering to myself "Who is this masked man???" He smiles as he catches the puzzled look on my face... "You will soon find out, all in due time" he says.
As the music ends he bows and says, "I will be seeing you later..." and then he leaves me. All throughout the night I walk around the ballroom feeling his eyes trained on me. I look around the room searching for him, but I can't seem to find him amid the sea of faces, but I knew he was there watching me.
Somehow the room felt a little too crowded so naturally, I find myself outside in the garden near a pond. The moon was shining high in the sky with stars twinkling beside it, I could hear the faint sounds

of the orchestra playing inside, I close my eyes allowing the melody to hypnotize me. I sway and move to the rhythm of the song, hearing it like the beat of my own heart...
"May I cut in..." an achingly familiar voice intrudes on my previous state of serenity, somehow, my heart raced. I open my eyes and there he was staring at me. "Do you always dance alone?" he asks. I shake my head, he takes a step towards me, I don't know why, but I take a step back. "Are you afraid of me?". I respond silently shaking my head again. He laughs, "Cat got your tongue?"

I smile, "No..."
He grins, "Ah... she speaks..."
The music plays again, we both look at the windows seeing the people inside dancing. He turns to me. "Shall we?"



So we dance again. Everything felt soooo real, I felt his hand holding mine, somehow I felt insanely warmed by the look in his eyes... We danced on & on, neglecting to take note that the music had already faded.

"Who are you?" I blurted out, which made the dancing halt.
"Don't you know?" he smiled.
"No, I don't..."
"Let me remind you..."

And before I knew it, he kissed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After what seemed like an eternity, I opened my eyes. He is grinning, "Remember me now?"
still in a daze, I shake my head... He sighs, then takes a step back. "Before I take off my mask" he informs me, "I just want to say that I- BARK BARK BARK"

I stir, BARK BARK BARK


I open my eyes, and direct my irate gaze at my dog Shagee who had just ruined a perfectly good dream. He barks again, hoping to motivate me to get out of bed. I groan and hide under the covers hoping for sleep to assail me again, but Shag's barking continues. I roll to the side to scratch his head, silencing his yapping. "Thanks a lot Shag!"

When I was fully awake, I resigned myself to the thought that It was just a dream... A dream that felt too real.

Tonight as I float away to dreamland, I silently wish to have the same dream again...

I just have to know...

Who was that masked man??????????

Dream Dictionary:

Kiss

If you dream of being kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get better acquainted with some aspect of yourself.

To dream of being kissed often means the dreamer will realize something important that can help them to achieve success in real life. It can also mean that someone you know is not telling you the whole truth.

Mask

If you dream that you are wearing a mask, you will have temporary trouble as a result of some misunderstanding. To see others wearing a mask in your dream means that you will battle against deceit, falsehood and jealousy.

Dance

Dancing in dreams represents feelings of freedom, sexuality and a positive attitude to life.

Moon

The moon represents the feminine and the spiritual self. How the moon appears to you in your dream suggests how close or distant you are from your inner feelings. For example, seeing a full moon means that you are closely in touch with your instincts and inner emotions. To see a sliver of moon represents new beginnings. If you dream of the moon being another color, especially a red moon, this symbolizes disappointments in love. Someone close may not be as truthful or loyal as they have been pretending. If you dream of a lunar eclipse, this signifies that your feminine side is being overshadowed. It may also foretell the illness of someone near you.

Music

Dreams that strongly feature music mean you have strong feelings that need to be expressed. Heavenly music (played by angels with harps) in dreams is a very special symbol and means the dreamer will attain a high level of spiritual enlightenment and happiness.

A Better Happy Ending

And they did not live happily ever after...
Wait, a minute... did I miss something here? Let me read that again.
And they DID NOT live happily ever after...
"Oh God!!!!" I thought, staring at that particular line in the book that I was reading.
"What the devil is going on here?"
I wondered, I felt like I was getting hoodwinked by a bloody book.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and decided to read the last line of the story...
It was still there!!!! I panicked, what is going on here? I decided to read it again...

But instead of seeing words, I saw the faces of the characters of the story on the last page. The couple were staring at me, and they looked peeved.

Girl: Get over it! We did not end up together okay? Deal with it.
Me: No! you always live happily ever after, you always end up together!!!!
Girl (rolling her eyes heavenward): Get with the times sweetheart, we live in an age of tough love. The fairytale age is over.
Boy: Yes, I suggest you let go of all your childish notions of love and grow up....
Me: (growing hysterical) This can't be happening...
Girl: It is...let it go...
Me: Why???
For a moment they looked at each other as if contemplating what they would tell the hysterical person (ME) to explain why the story didn't end too well.
Girl: We just need to go our separate ways, it's for the best
Me: But you love him... and he loves you!
Girl: Yes, but, you see, WE just..
Boy: just realized that our story is not going any where, we became different people, we changed (smiles at me sadly) That's life, we all deserve a better happy ending, it just turns out that it will be with someone else...
ME:But...
Both: Let it go little girl...



I should have seen it coming, the signs were there, but I was in denial.. They just weren't meant to be... I mean, they both loved each other & their love story was absolutely wonderful- they went through so much together, AND THEY DON'T END UP TOGETHER???? my mind raced "This can't be happening..."
"WHY??????????"
But then, I knew the answer, because I knew deep inside, it was inevitable...It wasn't that they didn't love each other anymore, something just changed...

I had to accept it, and yes, let it go...

In the famous opening words of Carrie Bradshaw:

Later that day I got to thinking about the issue of love & letting go...
We've all heard of the saying "If you love someone, let them go, if they return, they are forever yours..." but here's a contradiction to that quote, "If you love someone, hold onto them, don't give them a chance to slip away from your life.."



Which one is right????

When the relationship has reached a crossroads wherein both parties cannot agree on what route to take... do you just split up & go follow whichever paths you want to take?

When the bond has waned between a loved one and the moments have lost the "warm and fuzzy feeling" - would that be the time to just let them go?

Do you unselfishly let go of the person that you love in order for them to pursue their own happiness at the expense of your misery, or do you hold onto them even to the point that you silently know that it doesn't make sense anymore for the two of you to stay together?

I guess life is funny that way,it has a way of changing just when you don't want it to.
I guess at one point in our lives we have encountered moments with a friend or significant other wherein letting go was the best thing to do, but you just couldn't seem to wrap your head around that idea.

Once upon a time after a tumultuous end to a love affair that existed only in my dreams & in my mind, I found myself sitting in my room wondering about things that reminded me of a song in the Broadway musical turned movie Evita:

EVA
So what happens now?

CHE
Take your picture off another wall

EVA
Where am I going to?

CHE
You'll get by, you always have before

EVA
Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through
and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me--and they do
So what happens now?

CHE
Another suitcase in another hall

EVA
So what happens now?

CHE
Take your picture off another wall

EVA
Where am I going to?

CHE
You'll get by you always have before

EVA
Where am I going go?

Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation--here and now
So what happens now?

CHE
Another suitcase in another hall

EVA
So what happens now?

CHE
Take your picture off another wall

EVA
Where am I going to?

CHE
You'll get by, you always have before

EVA
Where am I going to?

CHE
Don't ask anymore



No answers came, and my question hung in the air "So what happens to me now?"
At that time letting go seemed too excruciating, I invested so much of my time pining away for someone who never fully acknowledged my presence in his life. I gave so much of myself- no, I wrapped myself up around the belief that he would one day see me as the person meant for him that when the final sting of betrayal hit me, I felt stupid and utterly naive.
"Let go????" I thought, as tears welled up in my eyes. "How do I do that???"
Deep inside I knew I had to do it for my sake. I held on the notion that I was finally going to live happily ever after with Prince Charming, but that dream crashed and burned because I realized that I was in love with a fool.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
(borrowed from Neil Gaiman)

I hated myself, I hated men, & I hated love.... I was so over it.

That's right, I never looked back...

You see, sometimes we hold on to things convincing ourselves that we need them, when the truth is, we are better off without them. We hold on to them because we don't have the heart to part with them- like a old childhood plaything, a blanket (blanky), a favorite pair of shoes that is all worn out, or a person that we have known for a long time (let's say an ex)- and by doing that, we never allow ourselves to grow. We stay on square one all the time. That is what we call a "comfortable rut" it is something familiar and comforting, but at the same time it doesn't contribute to any growth on our part. We are forever trapped in well... the past.

Like I always tell my closest friends "The greatest mistake we make would to forgo the plan of moving on with our lives as well as looking ahead to a brighter future filled with amazing possibilities. We eschew the idea of opening ourselves to the beauty of experiencing new things, and meeting people that will bring new prospects of love & happiness... Instead of all that, we do the dumbest thing by hurting ourselves by looking back and dwelling on the past..."

To borrow another quote from Carrie Bradshaw:

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

In short, KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart..."

It's time to let go of the past and just live. I certainly didn't stay in the doldrums for long, I decided I deserved to let go of the one person who truly did not care about me and when I did that... I was surprised to find a person who not only cared about me, he actually loves me.

It's true, we all want a happy ending, and when it doesn't end too well with one person, believe me when I say that you will find a better happy ending with someone else...

Let it go......it's not easy, but it's better than living a life trapped in the sidelines watching life pass you by, which, by the way will rob you of the chance of finding true happiness.

Story of Life

LIFE

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger),

*but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.*

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

*Everything happens for a reason.*

Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.
Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become.

*Even the bad experiences can be learned from.* In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you,
betrays you, or breaks
your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

*Make every day count.*

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

*Most importantly,* *if you LOVE someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.*

And learn a lesson in life each day that you live.

That's The Story Of Life.

My Best Friend's Wedding

We've all heard of the saying "Always the bride's maid never the bride" well, here's another one worth pondering on: "Always the friend, never the one".

It's the fault of the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding"- why? I'm getting ahead of myself. A couple of years ago I would have called myself the most hapless human being on the planet, there I was again in the situation called the "danger zone" wherein I was friends with a guy (very close friends, I might add) who for the love of all things painful was in love with someone else. I've been in the danger zone all for most of my teenage life, and that's when I came up with the "My Best Friend's Wedding" theory- that was my life, my curse, my only fate.

"Why does this always happen to me?" I asked, sadly, no voice ever answered, indicating that discovering the reason for my haplessness was left yet again for me to sniff out.
"What is wrong with me?" I wondered. "Why can't I find a decent guy to actually find me worthy?" (pathetic, I know). But that was my life, I lived in the sidelines of the lives of the men whom I could not seem to get to give me the time of day. SIGH. I was always the girl chasing after the guy who was also chasing after someone else, and all I wanted was for him to look back, see me and stop running.

Remember that scene wherein Julia Robert's character was chasing after her best friend and she calls her gay friend George to whine and tells her:

George: Jules, you're chasing Michael
Julia: Yes
George: Michael is chasing Kimi
Julia: Yes
George: Who is chasing you? Nobody, get it? You're not the one Jules...
I think I have had about enough of all the melodrama....

After watching the movie for the billionth time, I finally got it into my system that nobody was chasing after me and it was quite futile to chase after someone else.

Actually, this blog is not made for my benefit, it is for all the girls, and hmm... guys out there stuck in the danger zone. You see, the mistake I made was I never really allowed myself to do something about my situation, granted that the dude was in love with somebody else, I definitely had no right to do anything about it- but during the the time when he got out of that relationship, I didn't do anything either. Why? I was scared.

Here's another fun line from the movie:

Michael: When you love somebody you tell them, you tell them right then and there, or the moment just passes you by.

That's the lesson there kids, when you love somebody, you tell them. You don't prevaricate and dance around the subject hoping that they will get a hint. We may have evolved people, but we have not developed the ability to read minds yet, so, it would be great if you actually said the words out loud. Lost chances and moments of regret, not to mention the good old "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" moment. I should've done this, could've done that, I would've had him/her bla bla... Regret only comes in the end people, we can't always allow ourselves to live on what might and could've been- IF ONLY....

Screw that!

I say, Carpe Diem! Grab the moment and just do it. Hey, it may not always turn out the way you expected it. It may blow up in your face, but at least you took the chance, and will not live the rest of your life thinking about what could have happened had you taken that chance.

Here's a song from the movie Rent:

There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

There's only yes, only tonight
We must let go, to know what's right
No other course, no other way
No day but today

There's only now, there's only here
Give in to love, or live in fear
No other path, no other way
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

Truth is, we only have NOW. Tomorrow is a mystery and we never know what might happen. There is no other day but today to tell the person that you love how you feel, or to choose to live a life free from the person who doesn't love you to give some other person a chance to truly make you happy. It's your choice.

There's no day but today...

Sleepless HTML expert wanabe

Here I am staring at the screen with all these mumbo jumbo codes and the first thought in my mind was "What the heck was I thinking? Was I high on Crunch or something?" (I just ate a pack of Crunch chocolate). "What have I done???" my panic stricken mind yelped, "I need Monny's help" problem was, it's like 3 in the morning and he's probably snoring somewhere in bed, while I am wide awake like the quintessential night creature that I am- proper term: Vampire?

Why was I compelled to work on my multiply layout? Well, I was bored and I couldn't sleep. I already read a 300 plus paged book, which I devoured in hmm... 5 hours and well, I needed some mental stimulation. So I thought I could surft the net, better yet, go to multiply. Then another thought occurred, as I stared at my layout- it lacked a little hmmm life and then a light bulb went on and I said: "Hey, I watched Mon have a go with the css thingy... how hard could it be?"
Thirty minutes after my first attempt at the "creative art" called css editing, my layout looked like well, vomit. hahaha.
The colors were all wrong and the background I picked just clashed with everything.

My mind vituperated me soundly "Way to go Ms. I-can-do-this-by-myself css expert wanabe"

Now, I'm no html, css, (what do you call it anyway???) expert or whatever, heck! I'm totally retar- uh... intellectually starved when it comes to all these slashes, dots, letters, and numbers- takes me back to the dark days in Computer 12 class where I had to solve this odd thingy on the screen- judging by my lack of knowledge on what particular test it was, that just proves that I DID NOT care about it, or learn a damn thing from that subject- sorry Mr. K (comp teacher).
don't really know what bloody subject teaches the html mumbo jumbo stuff....Where was I? Yes, I have no idea what to do with all the:

div.owner_nav {
border: none;
margin: 0 auto;
margin-top: 10px;
height: 260px;
width: 680px;

and the hmmm.... well, whatever... you get it...
I was growing frustrated by the minute, but I just kept moving forward. An hour passed, and with the aid of Google, I was able to locate a site that had a list of hex color code thingys, which I used to change the text and background colors...(listen to me yammer on about terms that were totally foreign to me a month ago--- yey me!!!!) I pressed "Preview" LO AND BEHOLD there it was!!! the new layout.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

I did it- I think?????????

It's not completely that good, but it's okay.... Like I said, the bugger needs work....

It's 4 in the morning, and here I am with a headache. I could hear my brain protesting "No more...."
Sheesh this takes a lot of work, it is kind of interesting- if you knew what you were doing. I was working like a blind man groping for a way out of a maze. I definitely didn't know what I was doing, I was winging it the whole time, experimenting with it and I think I did pretty okay haha!

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