Someone asked me after the cooling down of a rather tumultuous disaster in my life (not that I didn't have plenty to deal with already) but yes, as that happened, I was asked, "Will you still be the same person?", "Are things going to change after this?"
Here's a quote from one of my favorite movies: Little Black Book (2004)
Stacy: Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?
Stacy: Answer, she doesn't.
There's your answer... I'm not going to be the same person, and yes, I AM going to change.
Nobody really knows this other than the people who have been with me for more than 5 years, but I am a product of a series of unfortunate events - who isn't? But, that's it. It is said that if you go through hell, you shouldn't take pictures, i.e. if you experience the greatest forms of adversity in your life, you shouldn't allow it to break you. It didn't break me, it just left several gaping cracks...
I have become disheartened by what I have learned from a recent experience, which has caused me to yet again flee into the confines of my place of solace... My mind. I can sit quietly and roam to any place I wish- in my mind, or if that paints a picture of me being slightly crazy, then I retreat to my room. The only place where I can be safe... Scratch that, I still have another sanctuary... the arms of the person that I deeply care about. But, enough about that. The point is, the wall is up again. I am wary and guarded, like a trapped Tiger baring my teeth, roaring, daring my captives or attackers to take one step forward. The mistake was mine, for believing that I was ready to trust people. I will never, NEVER make that mistake again.
I have discovered the folly in my ways and I'm grateful that I have the chance to correct this egregious oversight. I knew better, but I ignored the voice in my head. I did not take heed of the voice that told me that I was being unwise by believing that people have evolved to posses minds that actually function properly. I stand corrected, people still have primitive minds after all. Pity.
I have changed. I no longer feel the need to be pleasant and downright agreeable all the time. I will be damn well disagreeable and unpleasant when I want to. Back then, I used to 
curb my tongue, thinking it would be imprudent to speak my mind. To hell with that! I will be bloody blunt now, it suits me- it feels so damn good.
Knowledge is a terrible and marvelous thing. When Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit it opened their eyes to things that they were blissfully unaware of- like the fact that they were stark raving naked!!! It caused them to feel shame and hide in the bushes. I'd like to think that I had a bite of that same fruit, and now I see things differently as well. I can honestly say the things and people that I adored and was rather attached to before, are now rather repugnant and disposable to me.
I realized that I don't need a lot of people in my life. Actually, I can probably count the people that I consider indispensable in one hand- I can stretch it to two (maybe). And among those people, I can honestly say only 2 of them know me to the very core... The good, the bad, and the ugly side of me... One of them described me as a very powerful person, capable of doing anything that I set my heart to. The way I was being described, it sounded like I was dangerous. I voiced out that thought, and was surprised to be told that "You are dangerous, you just don't use that power all the time...because you are a good person..."
Interesting.
Now I know that some people are not what they seem to be. I knew that before, but I always stuck by my rule to accept a person right away, leaving no room for doubts or prejudice. It seems I needed to be schooled in the world of reality, because It seems being nice, does become one's downfall sometimes.
I'm amused that the rose tinted glasses that I once wore over my eyes somehow fell off revealing the rather ugly and weak side of human beings, particularly the "human beings" in my life... Some of them anyway. Quel dommage!
Yes, some of the people in my life whom I thought could be pillars of strength, turned out to be rusty support poles. God! I just wanted to rip my hair out in frustration. I wanted to scream "Get a grip!". But then, it's not their fault, because once again, I was faced with the truth of it all. I should never ever depend on others, because the best person to turn to for strength, would be ME, MYSELF, & I.
Me.
The truth hurts as they say, and one brave individual in my life took it upon herself to deliver the mighty blow of the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... God love her! that lady knows how to dish out the truth...
I thought the truth would kill me, but amazingly enough, it empowered me. I loved it. It was what I needed to... excuse my language : Get my shit together.
The glory of winning the battle goes to the cruel world, but mark my words I will win the war.
Taking what I held dear,
Now I will kill your heart,
By using that which you fear.
~VonKalkmann~
I don't ever plan to leave the confines of my mind for a long time. I'm doing this for me. I have realized that more often that not, I feel better when I am alone.
After all, I am a lone wolf. I don't need other members of a pack to hunt with, they will only slow me down and undermine my strength. It's better off for me to leave them to face the elements by themselves than to face the dark abyss of the woods with them by
my side, acting like a third leg or a blasted crutch. It's kill or be killed after all. Survival of the fittest, only the strong survive and the weak becomes food for the vultures or the worms...If you're curious why the title of this blog is called "Her Last Breath" it's simple. The girl everyone knew, the one with wide doe-eyed innocence and believed in the good that the world and what other people had to offer her has died... Oh, no, no before you assume that adversity is the culprit, that adversity was the one that held the knife that took her life... Let me just dispel that notion.
Adversity didn't kill her..
I DID.
Question:
How can an arcane black rose be seen in a garden filled with mesmeric and unsubtly beautiful raging red roses?
Answer:
It stands out, much to the sheer vexation of the other roses. It will be the bane of their existence, and soon enough the mission to eradicate any trace of that black rose will become their obsession . They can crowd around it to suffocate its roots, crowd around it, to keep the sun from reaching it- They can basically do everything to destroy that rose, but they will never keep the world from seeing it. Because you can't help but notice a black rose in a garden filled with ordinary red roses.
I've had enough of the world's pretensions and the master pretenders who carry them out
Everyone assumed I would peacefully go back to the way things were
They were sorely mistaken
That story has ended rather tragically
A new page has turned, and my character in the new story has got an axe to grind....
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