What am I trying NOT to say?

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful."

~Oscar Wilde (The Portrait of Dorian Gray)~

I bet you're curious, wondering what I'm thinking about right now. Here I go again, I mutter under my breath, as a dangerous thought enters my mind. I have nothing to say, so, I won't say a word about it, lest I should unleash my own version of the contents of Pandora's box into the world. All I have are words to a song, a thousand songs actually, but I managed to filter out the one's that will convey the profundity of my thoughts...

Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away But every now and then you come to mind Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game But when your name was called, you found a place to hide When you knew that I was always on your side Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent But your demons and your angels reappeared Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be Leavin' me with no place left to go from here Leavin' me so many questions all these years...

I know, I'm back to square one again, allowing myself to enter this impermeable brooding state, stuck in the doldrums.

Over It – Katherine McPhee

I'm over your lies, and I'm over your games. I'm over you asking me, when you know I'm not okay. You call me at night, and I pick up the phone. And then you be telling me, I know your not alone. ohh.. Thats why (your eyes) I'm over it (your smile) I'm over it (realize) I'm over it I'm over it I'm over.. Wanting you, to be wanting me. No that ain't no way to be. How I feel, read my lips, because I'm so over.. Moving on, its my time, you never were a friend of mine. Hurt at first, a little bit, but now I'm so over. I'm so over it..

This is not the first time that I will put this in writing, I am a hazard to myself, (whew) that wasn't so hard... I ought to be locked up in a room with padded walls and restrained by a straight jacket or something. I shouldn't be left alone with me ha! Does that even make sense? Much like Niki Sanders from the popular series “Heroes” I have this alter ego that well, she doesn't go around killing people, but if looks could kill, I'd be a mass murderer by now...

Makeover – David Cook

Lost her way from everything she swore she knew, a friend
Run away from start to finish though it never ends
In her mind she is blinded by all she sees
Close your eyes; just pretend the bullet isn't there
No surprise; no need to pretend that no one really cares
But in her eyes you will find the very best in me

What are you looking for?
Are you looking for something more?
It's not me
It's not me

Here I am again, thinking about.. Well, that... The voice in my head is telling me to unleash all of this pent up frustration over... BLANK, but why? Who exactly is to blame for the reemergence of this rather interesting thought in my head? I should be blaming myself right? I bet you are positively clueless right now, wondering what in the world am I talking about? Emm... I have no clue either, it's the OCD, it bugs me ad nauseum, and I'm still learning how to rein in the obsessive thoughts... I'm not throwing in the towel, though it is quite tempting to relinquish this... insufferable... feeling?

The temptation is unbearable, I think I did yield to it, which brought about my imminent demise... emotionally. Hmm... I think I'm giving my secret away with all these details. Have you figured it out yet? The root of my temptation? It's not hard really... I want to be over it, but I can't, and it is always by my side, I tried to change and get a makeover, but it turns out this torment that I'm going through is far from over...

Over – Lindsay Lohan

I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time
You're the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel, the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time I've wasted
Trying to find a reason for goodbye

I can’t live without you
Can’t breathe without you
I’m dreamin' bout you
Honestly, tell me that it’s over...

Waiting to Exhale

Here's a quick narrative of a very VIVID dream I had the other day...

I opened my eyes and noticed that it was dark outside, there were no lights in my room, and I realized that I had fallen asleep. I woke up to a beautiful sound, a sound that heralded the promise of life for the Earth, for me it only stimulated long buried memories, memories of a much more simple time in my life that has long gone by. I don't know why, but as soon as I heard the sound, I stood up and quickly bolted outside my room, I ran as fast as I could ignoring the puzzled stares that greeted me along the way...
I ran outside with my arms outstretched allowing the rain to pour over me. Yes, it was raining...
I stared up at the murky sky covered with feathery gray clouds amid the inky darkness of the night sky, the stars were carefully hidden, but I stared at the sky anyway knowing that they were there. The torrents of raindrops drenched me, I closed my eyes allowing it to simply wash over me, the cold water traveled the path down my head, to my neck, down to the valley of flesh that covered my heart, to my legs, then to my feet. "What was I doing?" I asked myself, no answer came to me. I just stood there in the rain and it felt wonderful.
With my eyes still closed, I sighed. "I could stand here all night, without a care in the world...". This was my version of heaven, standing in the rain allowing the rest of the world to disappear. Finally, I found peace, I sighed again.


Perhaps I spoke to soon, for my new-found peace was shattered by an amused laugh, I was about to open my eyes to see who it was who dared to intrude on my solitude, but then a piece of cloth covered my eyes and a hand covered my mouth. "Don't scream" a voice whispered in my ear, it sounded amused. "I'm going to let you go, only if you promise not to speak or to uncover your eyes...". I nodded, then I was released. In the darkness of my mind several questions fired, the moment I heard the voice I knew who it was, but I was too incredulous at the moment. "He shouldn't be here..." my mind told me. I just stood motionless wondering what he was doing, questioning the reason behind his silence. I knew he was standing just inches away from me, I also knew that he was staring, for I had an unnerving feeling that his eyes were burning my face.
The rain poured endlessly and we just stood there like two statues. I didn't speak, nor open my eyes, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have anything to say, nor would I have the courage to look at him. I felt him move closer, and my heart raced, I felt him take my hand, and unbeknown to me, I stopped breathing. He chuckled, "Breathe..." I exhaled quickly, but said nothing. He rubbed his thumb on my knuckles, sending currents of electricity down my spine, I restrained myself, but I shivered anyway. He chuckled again, "Cold?". I shrugged, "Do you know why I'm here?" he asked, I shook my head.
He was silent again, probably staring at me, only God knows why he does that, my face can't be that fascinating. I suddenly felt him move a bit, and he let go of my hand. I sighed in relief thinking that he was going to leave, what he did next made me take leave of my senses. Mutely, he traced my face using his index finger- from my forehead, to my nose, to each eyelid - my heartbeat went berserk as he reached my lips and lingered there. "What are you doing? Please stop" I thought, my mind panicking. As if he read my mind, he answered, "Don't worry, I'm simply conducting an experiment...". "What experiment????" the words burst out before I had time to prudently keep my emotions in check.
He laughed, "Are you afraid of what I might do?" there was amusement in his voice, his finger traced my lips again, "Just go along with me, and let me remind you again that you promised not to talk...". He resumed his little experiment, and his finger traveled to my chin, then my neck. My heart rammed into my chest as he traced the sensitive part just bellow my neck, tracing my collar bone, I gasped as he planted a quick kiss on the hollow area where the two collar bones met. "STOP" my mind screamed. He chuckled, as if sensing my distress. He took both my hands and placed them on his face. "What was he doing?" then as if my hands had a mind of their own, unbidden, I was shocked as they mimicked what he did to me, except both were used to trace his face. I could feel his breath coming out ragged, unaware that my own breathing was the same. Both my thumbs were close to his lips, and it seemed my hands stilled, afraid to go any further. His face moved, and I was acutely aware that he was smiling. He took both my hands and set them aside, placing his own hands on my face, he leaned his forehead on mine and spoke:
"Stop running away from me...Stop pushing me away... I want-". All the while my eyes were still closed, he was too close to me, even as the rain poured, I felt his warmth, his little assault on my senses, left me weak and dizzy. I could not seem to breathe properly, and if my heart didn't beat any faster, I could have sworn that I was a sure candidate to be diagnosed with Tachyarrhythmia.
"What do you want, what do you want to do huh???" I asked in a strangled voice. He sighed, "Believe me, you don't want to know what I want, more's the pity about knowing about what I want to do...". This should have silenced me, the warning in his voice should have sent messages to my brain telling me to just shut up, but then. "Why don't you just do what you came here to do, and get it over with" I bit out - and then, my heart suddenly pounded harder, as I felt his hands pull my face forward as he crushed his lips onto mine.
I should have stopped him, but I didn't, I should have pushed him away, but I wrapped by arms around his neck instead- my gravest sin had to be saved for last by my conscience, I should have stilled my lips instead of kissing him back....
The world was spinning, pinning me to that moment, it was still raining, but the sound seemed so far away. It was wrong, but it wickedly felt right. When the kiss ended, it felt like I was submerged in water for a while, and I was finally able to come up for air.
We were silent, then I felt him take off the blindfold. "Don't open your eyes yet.." he leaned his forehead onto mine again, "I want you to know that you're the only one I want, you're the only one who matters to me, everything else ceased to be of substance in my life the day I met you. I want you to know that you are my life now. You can keep fighting that fact, but that's it, I have said it, and I'm not taking it back. I need you, perhaps, not as much as you need me, or you seem to forbid yourself to need me, but I'm here, here, needing you, wanting you to need me as well. You're not getting rid of me so easily, I won't let you. Do your worst, I assure you I don't scare easily. I will fight for you, even if I will be fighting against you, against your doubts, fears, and your own demons. I'm not going anywhere, and you can't make me leave...."
His words petrify and stun me at the same time. "I'm here...." he said, simply, and then borrowed a few lines from Notting Hill.

"I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl asking her to love him..."

That's when I opened my eyes and saw his face, his expression was inscrutable, but his eyes, his eyes told a different story. In his eyes, I found my answer as to why I loved the rain. The rain is the beacon of hope for the Earth and it's lands, especially the soil that has dried up, suffocated by the intense heat. The rain breathes life to a land ravaged by the absence of vapor, which causes drought. You can't hear it, but when the first drops of rain touch the dry Earth, it breathes, exhaling in relief after inhaling the breath of life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With that realization, in a way I knew that I'm the land that has been besieged by years of drought and devastation, and he is the rain bringing with him the hope of life.
So, there I was staring into his eyes, eyes that conveyed the truth of his words, and his promise. I had no fight left in me, I was tired of running away, so I surrendered. I stretched out my arms like what I did for the rain. I wrapped my arms around him, and there in that moment standing in the rain, with him, as the Earth breathed in new life, I gave in to my hope, the Earth & I exhaled.....

Playing A Game You Can't Win

Here's a rather thorny question that has plagued humanity for eons, or probably for one time in my life it happened to be extremely significant- and if it weren't for my crazy penchant for devouring novels by the dozens, the debate wouldn't have been roused from its slumber.... Ah... the age old question (in my mind or perhaps in the minds of other individuals as well):

If you had to make the choice, who would you choose to be with: The person who loves you, or the person that you love?

It does not seem like a paradox of sorts right? I mean, you can be with the the person who loves you, that same person could also be the one that you love....Ah... but not all of us are lucky enough to find ourselves in that rather “clutter free” situation. By “clutter free” I mean, you have all the elements working for you, 1+1= 2, simple as that. Boy meets Girl, they fall in love, end of story, but some stories are more elaborate. Like a web intricately spun by the fickle and rather quirky hands of fate. Allow me to elaborate before you develop frown lines on your immaculate foreheads for thinking too much.

How do I introduce this? Ah… Have you ever heard of the Tango? Of course you have, but do you know the story behind the dance? You see, the tango is a dance of the flesh. There are a lot of stylistic origins to the dance, but I like to give my own interpretation to it as a dance of great passion and love.You have two people pacing the dance floor emanating unbridled desire, wraped in a passionate embrace - eyes locked, dipping, stomping, touching, teasing… It is a dance of seduction, and in some ways, a dance of love. It is a romance story of sorts- about how the woman incites fire in a man, and how she is able to lure him, to compel him to posses her. The man is literally spellbound by the woman, and demonstrates his desire and power by how he holds her, showing her who has the control. The movements narrate their romance, the sheer emptiness of the release, then the pull of possession again. Both dancers and their movements demonstrate how love can be extremely intense, it is an illustration of the joining of two souls powered by an emotion that neither can control. It is seductive and quite dangerous. The occasional spectator of the dance would probably watch slack jawed in awed fascination…

They say it takes two to tango, correct? Well, how about we change up the rules… to make things a little interesting, a third dancer is thrown into the fray. Imagine what that would be like? Picture out the tango with three dancers, two men and one woman (or whatever). The woman, of course, is the object of the men’s desire, their love. Imagine two men clamoring to posses a woman whose mere presence burns their blood… She entices them, torments them, and they are left to battle it out on who gets to culminate the dance with her. Now, let us just say that the woman desires both men, but as mentioned, it takes only two people to tango… Only one man gets that chance, Isn’t that a rather tangled web?

Let’s say she has feelings for both, but she has to choose- which one then, the one she loves, or the one who loves her? They may both love her, but one may love her more, and she may love the both, but she may love one of them more…. Hurts your head right?

It calls to mind the saying “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”

Where am I getting at with all this? Patience, I’m getting there. Have you seen the following movies: Superman Returns, The Notebook, & Enchanted? If you have, good. Question: What do the three movies have in common?, here’s an even better question: What is the recurring theme of the three movies that was never brought up?

Answer: Unrequited love. James Marsden’s character getting screwed, always playing second fiddle to the other guy, always second best. James Marden’s character never gets the girl.

Confused? Allow me to ellucidate.

In Superman Returns, James Marsden plays Richard White. Richard is engaged to Lois Lane (take note: she was Supe’s love). Super Man gets all hurt about this, and assumes that Lois had moved on since his absence.

Cue scene:

Lois Lane: Richard's a good man... and you've been gone a long time.
Superman: I read the article, Lois.
Lois Lane: Yeah, so did a lot of people. Tomorrow night, they're giving me the Pulitzer...
Superman: Why did you write it?
Lois Lane: How could you leave us like that? I moved on. So did the rest of us. That's why I wrote it. The world doesn't need a savior. And neither do I.

Richard White: Were you in love with him?
Lois Lane: He's Superman. Everyone was in love with him.
Richard White: But were you?
Lois Lane: [pause] ... No.

Minus all the details, we all knew that Lois was soo not over Super Man, and yes, despite the rather bitter article that she wrote about the world not needing him (which is just a projection of her own hurt feelings and resentment for his abrupt departure), deep inside she was still very much in love with him (yes, she was in denial, thinking she was happy with Richard). She chose the man who loved her, but still craved the man that she loved….I think it’s appropriate to say, poor James Marsden.

In The Notebook, James Marsden plays Lon Hammon Jr. In this film he is also, uhemmm… engaged to Allie Hamilton(Rachel McAdam’s character). They meet after Allie’s meddling and deprecatory mother separates her from the love of her life, Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling’s character). Allie who suffered from a tremendous heartbreak thinking that Noah didn’t care about her anymore, allowed herself to move on.

Allie: When I'm with Noah I feel like one person and when I'm with you I feel like someone totally different.
Lon: Allie, it's normal not to forget your first love but I want you for myself. I don't want to convince my fiancée that she should be with me.
Allie: You don't have to. I already know I should be with you.

But then, a quirk of fate happens and she sees Noah again…

Allie: Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now it's too late.
Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year.
Allie: You wrote me?
Noah: Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over

Surprise, surprise, well, we all knew what happened didn’t we? Allie ends up with Noah… Again, poor James Marsden.



Last. In Enchanted, James plays Prince Edward, a ditzy Prince who falls in love-at-first-sight with a quixotic girl named Giselle. They were supposed to get married a day after they claped eyes on each other, but his Step Mother, Queen Narissa, had to push Giselle into a well sending her to New York where she meets McDreamy…errr… Robert Philip, a misanthropic divorcee who in the long run ends up falling in love with our stary eyed damsel… Poor James Marsden, but to his character’s credit, he did get to marry someone else in the end, but the point is, he didn’t end up with the girl he originally wanted.




So what’s my point? Sometimes it hurts to be the odd one out, the one in love with the person who will never be able to reciprocate the sentiment fully. It hurts to watch them with the one that they love, it hurts to know that you weren’t the one that they chose. It hurts to fight for someone who never even gave an iota of thought of how it must feel to fight even when you know you’re not going to win.

Here’s the meat of it all…



I’m talking about the bittersweet tale of the Werewolf (Jacob Black) who fell in love with a girl (Isabella Swan) who is in love with a Vampire (Edward Cullen).

Note: if you have read the Twilight saga, feel free to carry on, but if you haven’t gotten around to cracking those books open, I suggest you don’t read any further- seriously, I will be spilling details that will spoil the tale. However, if you are curious enough to continue (I’m talking to the one’s who haven’t read the books), don’t say I didn’t warn you.
As I read the tale, my heart writhed with pain, bleeding for the Jacob who was obviously in love with Bella (uhemmm… I was in that same situation before, not fun).

Both men, Edward and Jacob, loved Bella, and she needed them both in her life, but the question was: Who did she love with all her heart? The man who loved her, or the man that she loved?

See, we’re back to the paradox, the thing is, the choice was hers….

If I were Bella who would I choose?

In one corner, you have Jacob Black. Sweet, with a sarcastic sense of humor, easy going - the charming rebel, who has the whole down-to-Earth appeal going for him. In the other corner, you have Edward Cullen, handsome, mysterious, intelligent- who screams Prince Charming / Knight in Shining Armor. In my opinion, he is every girl’s dream- unselfish, a proper gentleman, loving – a true protector.

"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours... all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything because you weren't alive yet"

~Edward Cullen~

And did I fail to mention that he is extremely eloquent as well? Alright, it seems the odds are tipped in Edward’s favor for me, I’m a little biased I suppose, since he reminds me of a certain someone in my life who is in one way or another my very own Edward Cullen (lucky me). However, I do feel for Jacob…. I really do.

"He's like a drug for you Bella" Jacob Black said, "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug. I would have been the air, the sun..."

I was once in Jacob’s predicament before, and that’s what compelled me to discuss this. Unrequited love is perhaps the most excruciating thing to experience in the world.

I ached for Jacob, the boy who nursed Bella through her dark moments when the love of her life (Edward) broke her heart by leaving her. Jacob, the boy who made her smile, who breathed life back into her when it seemed like the pain of the heartbreak was going to leave her in a catatonic state. The same boy who helplessly stood back as Edward returned, who bore weeks of separation from her in silence, knowing very well that she spent them with Edward, the boy she loved.

I screamed in frustration as Jacob told Bella how much he loved her, as he explained that although he knew that she was in love with Edward, he also knew that she wanted him in her life as well. I felt his pain as he told her he needed to say the words out loud so there wouldn’t be a lost chance, just in case things ever changed between her and Edward, she would know that he was waiting for her- that he loved her. I gritted my teeth as he declared that he was going to fight for her, even if it was a lost cause. You see, Jacob Black is Bella’s best friend. She tells him everything, and in turn he does the same. When Edward left, Jacob was the one who made Bella happy, and in those moments that he spent with her, when she was in pain; haunted by memories of Edward, Jacob felt the innate sense to protect her, to care for her, and well, to love her. Bella knew all too well that Jacob had feelings for her, and subtly made it known to him that she will never feel the same. Jacob accepted that fact good naturedly knowing it was better being her best friend. He was smart enough to accept that it was better to have that role in her life than nothing at all, but still, he held on to the hope that she might choose him….



Watching her with Edward didn’t make it easier, hearing her tell him for the billionth time that she loved him, but she was in love with Edward did not lessen the blow. The moments he had with Bella were never enough, they were ephemeral, stolen, it never belonged to him, she didn’t belong to him- You can’t lose what you never had. You see, Jacob’s fate bears a perverse similarity to the characters that James Marden plays, he may get the girl for a while, but he is never truly mean to end up with her…

You're so beautiful
And when I'm near you i can't breathe

A girl like you gets what she wants
When she wants it
You're so out of my league
I show you no emotion
Don't let you see what you're doin' to me
I Imagine the two of us together
But I've been livin' in reality

Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
But time is running out
So damn my foolish pride!

I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losin' you

Now i'm gonna confess that i love you
I've been keepin' it inside feelin' i could die
Now if you turn away that's O.K.
At least we'll have a moment
Before you say goodbye
You can't lose what you never had

Rules Are made for breakin'
Nothing' ventured nothin' gained
I'll be no worse off than i am right now
And i might never get the chance again

Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
Told my heart I didn't want you but i lied…

It only takes two to tango, sadly, the odd man, or woman out of the lover’s dance must watch in the sidelines, with the pain of unrequited love, and the sting of rejection coursing through their veins. I suppose that’s the risk with have to take in the game of love, we go into it uncertain if the odds are in our favor. We place bets, never knowing if we will end up lucky. We give all we have, not knowing that we will lose it all, or gain more than our wager’s worth… In the game of love, there are winners, the one’s who win the prize of the person whom they will love with all their heart, who will also love them in return. Tragically, there are also the losers, who give everything they’ve got, who risk everything, only to end up with nothing, or worse, they watch somebody else take home the prize…

Sometimes

Sometimes we meet people in this world who surprise us, people who walk into our lives unbidden by our hearts, but somehow in some strange crazy way, they end up being that “someone” that we have waited for all our lives. It's that someone who walks into a room during one dreary day in your life and by some miracle, they bring a surge of wonder and warmth to it, transforming your day. It's that someone whose voice you long to hear, even for an ephemeral moment, just to hear the sound that has the amazing power to speed up you heartbeat and take away your sorrows. It's that someone whose laugh soothes your soul, whose touch warms you to the core. It's that someone who you never thought existed until the day he/she came into your life. In that person's absence your world is incomplete, you find yourself desperately seeking even the tiniest sign of him/her. In their absence the colors fade away from your world, and somehow you know that a part of you will forever be joined to them, and you will never be whole again until they return. Sometimes we meet people in this world who are uniquely too magnificent to be real, a person who symbolizes that one gem in a box of semi precious stones, he/she out-sparkles the rest and somehow you know that having them in your life is like finding a chest filled with treasure. Sometimes we meet people in this world who perversely arrive at the wrong time, whose love we crave, but cannot posses. Sometimes we meet people in this world who forever change who we are with just one touch, one glance, one smile, one word, one kiss, & nothing will ever be the same again. Sometimes we meet people in this world who make us do the craziest things that we would not normally do otherwise. Sometimes we never really admit to ourselves as to why they have so much power over us, which leads us to- Sometimes in this world we fall head over heels, crazy in love with someone who we never meant to love at all, but then, Sometimes, we don't allow ourselves to love at all, to say it out loud, and Sometimes we lose the chance to love them altogether- Because in this world we only have one chance at finding real love. We only have one chance at finding an amazing person who we honestly can't live without, and in this world filled with so many people...Sometimes we spend so much time looking every where and fail to notice that the person we are looking for has been right by our side all that time.

Frost Bite

Question:
What happens when you hold onto a piece of ice for too long?

At first you feel the sting of the cold burning your skin, it emanates the freezing power of the ice, seeping into your bones, sending signals to your brain to send messages to the pain receptors on your skin then to your hand to let it go. Customarily, if you were normal, you would let it go, but what if you were one masochistic person? and you decide "Hell! I'm holding on to this". The longer you hold it, the initial sting of the cold wanes, giving into the feeling of numbness, the numbness eases in, and before you know it, your hand, or the part exposed to the ice has turned red- so, your mind chimes in: "perhaps it's time to let it go", but no, you hold onto it longer. Then your skin turns blue- you balk at the sight of it, but persevere, until inevitably it turns black... The damage caused by the ice is irreparable, unless you get skin grafts (which might cost oodles of cash) to replace the dead skin- you basically are stuck with your semi dead hand....

Question: Why did you do it?
I have a theory about it. The way I see it, humans both have the propensity to be either masochistic, hedonistic, or both. We are creatures who relish the idea of seeking pleasure, we all aim to satisfy our needs one way or the other, but on the other hand, we also perversely like to inflict pain- be it a gratuitous infliction of pain or otherwise- we do it to ourselves sometimes.

Question: Why do people jump to their deaths?
Sometimes when you're standing on the edge of the cliff, you jump just because you want to. You jump, because you're done being afraid of falling. You jump, just to know how it feels to fall... You jump, because for a few insignificant minutes/seconds you would know how it feels to fly and be free...
Perhaps common sense will catch up to them when they are greeted by the face of solid concrete or jagged rocks, but then, it's too late to turn back right? It's not as if they can fly their asses back to the cliff's edge. The deed is done, it's either they break their neck in the process, break a few bones as well as their already shattered egos, or simply... They die.


I have an eerie story for you.
I had this dream wherein I fell overboard a ship into deep icy water. What do normal individuals do when they fall into deep water? They try to swim up to the surface and try to stay afloat. I guess I'm not normal then, because as I fell and opened my eyes, the water was murky and spine-tingling-hypothermia-inducing cold! My body didn't react at all I just slowly allowed myself to sink, I didn't try to swim up, nothing. I just sank to the bottom. The cold enveloped me like a blanket, and soon enough my human frailties decided to kick in, my body rebelled as my lungs screamed for release, gasping for air. I opened my mouth (big mistake) water filled it, but still I sank, I didn't swim up. Even if my mind refused to fight, my body writhed underwater, struggling, gasping, choking, then suddenly, I was perfectly still.
A numbing feeling crept up from my toes all the way to my head. My lungs were filled with water, the frigid water filled my body and surrounded my heart, turning it to ice. Somehow, my soul/spirit flowed out and I watched mutely in fascination as my lifeless body floated to the bottom of the ocean.

Question: Why didn't I fight?
Was it because of the thrill of surrender or just embracing the reckless abandon of it all? Did I give up on life or did I crave death? Or is it simply because I can't swim at all? Hmmm... Dare you seek out the answers, I might shock you.

Like I said, human beings have a propensity to either be hedonistic or masochistic. I allowed myself to drown, hypothetically speaking, because a. I just wanted to drown to & b. because the pain that came with drowning (choking and have water filling my lungs) was an act of ether punishing / freeing myself. The theory stands, I am hedonistic & masochistic.

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
Youre frozen
When your hearts not open
~Madonna~

SmiLinG in the DArK

I sat down on my bed
and stared into the abyss
It was final, I was dead.
I could not come to terms with it
How could it end like this?
His voice echoed in my mind
I closed my eyes ignoring the sound
It was a memory I longed to leave behind
but then it was too late, I already died,
About to be buried underneath the ground.
This was my curse
Running away for naught,
He loved me at my best, and stayed when I was at my worst,
He never buckled under the strain, he always fought.
My heart stopped beating, and I didn't know why,
Tears began to flow as the voice echoed in my mind,
It's too late, I thought, lying on my satin bed,
I couldn't turn back,
my fate was sealed,
I was dead.
I was placed into a cold sarcophagus,
I needed to rest,
Bury me now,
Bring forth the darkness.
The voice echoed still,
It was unnerving me,
I ignored it,
I wanted to be free.
Come back to me it said,
Even as I closed my eyes,
It echoed in my mind,
It's too late, I thought, I'm dead.
I held my heart in my hands,
It had ceased beating,
It was a phenomenon that was not too hard to comprehend
I stared at it, the feeling of peace increasing.
Come back to me, the voice called to me
Come back to me
Let me go, I whined, set me free.
His voice was slowly fading,
and the pain in my chest was abating.
My eyelids closed,
and not another word was said,
I was lost to the world, finally cold and dead.
Don't look for me, I whispered, don't grieve my end
Accept the truth
Accept that I am gone
I no longer belong to you
It's time you moved on.
I know I was drifting off to a better place, a place that I very very far
In the stillness of my inner peace I surrendered,
My death allowed me to finally smile in the dark.

Creature Of The Night

As I was lying in bed,totally engrossed with reading a book, I couldn't help but notice that outside the darkness was fading, I sat up. The birds were starting to chirp, the cool night air was slowly warming up, the colors blue and violet were giving way to pinks, yellows, and oranges bursting in the background, and I knew very well that it was finally, Sunrise. What exactly do I do when the sun finally rises? I sleep. Everyday it's the same thing. I stay up until I notice the first signs of the dawn breaking, then I turn off my lights, pull down my curtains to block the sunlight, and then I sleep. have always been a nocturnal creature, I'm more active at night- a lot of people are amazed by that. Truth be told, I hate waking up early in the morning, more often than not, when I am forced to wake up at a very ungodly hour in the morning, say, 6 am, I usually feel sick, or worse, my fearsome temper rears its ugly head, and if you're a smart person, you don't want to talk or approach with me for the rest of the day unless you come bearing food.
I used to tell my friends that perhaps my odd sleeping patterns, and clear aversion for the sun, is due to the fact that in my past life, I used to be a vampire- that would be ridiculous right? Vampires don't have past lives, perhaps they did as humans up till the time they were turned. Vampires are immortal, and I've only been around for 21 years, not centuries, sooo, scratch that theory. Hmmm... maybe I was a vanquished vampire in the past life?

I don't know how this all started, my odd fascination for rather mysterious and somewhat morbid things. I do know, that my fascination for vampires started when I watched "Interview With A Vampire", which bloomed into an obsession when I started reading Anne Rice's vampire chronicles.
Here's a new one to add to my list, Twilight. Yes, it's got all the elements that I want in a book love, mystery... and here's the best part, vampires. That's the book that I read from hmmm.... 1 am to around 5am today. I'm a voracious reader you see, once I get my hands on a book that I've beein longing to read or just a book that I like, I become totally absorbed in the tale and I go into this trancelike state wherein the whole world fades. If someone were to talk to me, while I'm in that state, I would not hear a single word. Much like my beloved vampire chronicles books, I intend to collect the Twilight series.


I'm prattling away here... I'm not really in the mood to blog... I'm hungry... hungry for- hmm...

You Are A Vampire

You have a real thirst for bliss, and you consider yourself a true hedonist. And you're not afraid to walk alone in life, if it means getting what you truly crave. You truly enjoy entrancing people. Not to mention the ensuing pleasures of the flesh. Your tastes have been called decadent and bizarre. You usually give in to your temptations, no matter how primal Your greatest power: Your flawless ability to seduce and charm Your greatest weakness: Human flesh You play well with: Werewolves