At any moment he’ll be walking through that door, but he won’t find me behind it.
Cause the feeling is gone, and it just won’t come back anymore.
I worked so hard to find it.
They say that when the honeymoon period of the relationship ends, that’s when real relationship starts. Because after all the “newness” fades, a lot of factors come in to play that will either make or break your relationship. When the love bug’s bite heals, reality sets in, and the once giddy feelings that you had is replaced with a sense of normalcy. Things become routine and prosaic, which is not too bad right? Wrong! It must never become too mundane, that would be spelling out trouble.
Allow me to point out something that will shed light to this discussion. Relationships are like cake; it must be made with great care and remade with even greater care. The consistency must always be the same; quality should never be sacrificed for quantity. Nothing can compare to taking that first bite and have the flavor melt in your mouth. If it isn’t made well, it won’t evoke those same feelings. The point is, relationships or the dynamics within the relationship will always change over time, but one thing will always remain constant, and without it, the relationship will be like tasteless low quality cake. What is that thing you ask?
LOVE.
To quote Leonardo Da Vinci from the film Ever After, (one of my favorite movies of all time) “A life without love, is no life at all”.Love, like cake, must be made and remade, or it will lose its essence and die a natural death.
There are different kinds of love, and according to Plato there are two, Impersonal and Interpersonal love. Impersonal love is what you feel for certain objects, animals, or activities that you emotionally attach yourself to. They could also be your goals and the principles that you wish to achieve and uphold .Whereas Interpersonal love is what you feel when you connect with other human beings, and in this case, since I am discussing about relationships, that is the love that you feel for your significant other.
When in the process of spending time with said significant other, one goes through the requisite stages before finally landing the kind of love that propels people to say, commit to each other till death to they part.
Upon the initial stage one undergoes "Philia” which means “friendship” in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love; which is a concept that was created by Aristotle. Philia is what solidifies bonds between two people. It is in theory, the base that keeps relationships together. This then moves to a stage called “Romantic love” this is the dating period, which is best defined by the “firsts” by firsts I mean, the usual things that boosts the relationship to the next level like well, to point the obvious, there’s the first time you say “I love you”, the first kiss, perhaps even the first fight & so on. This is also the stage that makes people do those rather crazy things, short of hiring a sky writer to broadcast one’s feelings to the world. Romantic love is all about excitement and anticipation, fireworks and sparks; butterflies in the stomach and goose bump on one’s skin – it is what makes relationships special. The next stage is perhaps the most intense one; it’s called Eros, which is Greek for “Passionate Love”. Eros is the stage wherein people come to appreciate their partners; they not only get to appreciate the beauty of the person, but also the beauty within the person. Loosely translated Eros could also mean “Love of body”. It’s basically being one with somebody on a level that no other person gets to experience. The 3 elements: friendship, romance, and passion is what fuels a healthy and loving relationship.
Not all relationships make use of all 3 elements. Some relationships begin with passion, but as we all know without a deeper foundation (friendship) when passion fizzles out, the bond is most likely to fade just as fast. Some relationships take out the element of “Philia”. These relationships are intense and exciting on the surface, however, if there is no fortifying bond (friendship) these people won’t be able to share a profound connection.
Essentially, friendship is very important in a relationship, but I’m not saying that the other two don’t matter. Going back to my metaphor, If we were to say that having a relationship is like baking a cake then, friendship is all the raw ingredients that are mixed in a bowl (Eggs, flour, yeast, etc.). Passion is the oven that is heated at just the right temperature to cook all those ingredients, Romance is the icing and sprinkles that make everything extra tasty and aesthetically pleasing.
Without friendship, well, technically you have no cake. Without passion, you don’t have anything to cook your ingredients and bring out the flavor. Without romance, simply put, you would have one dull looking cake.
So there you go, that’s a somewhat detailed dissection on love for you. As I have mentioned, love and all its sub-parts is the essence of a relationship.
So here’s the dilemma. What happens when you lose that loving feeling?
I’ve been up, down, trying to get that feeling again,
All around, trying to get that feeling again,
The one that made me shiver; make my knees start to quiver every time he walks in.
I’ve searched high, low, looked everywhere I possibly can,
But there’s just no trying to get that feeling again,
It seemed to disappear as fast as it came.
Lord knows it didn’t just go POOF overnight. It seems it has been disappearing year after year and I didn’t notice it until it was too late. Now all I feel, or rather, I don’t feel anything at all but an aching numbness.
Read every book, looked for every medication and poem,
Just to bring home that old sweet sensation
But it ain’t no use to me, to try to get that feeling again.
Where did it run to?
I thought I’ve done all that I could to keep the love burning,
But whatever I’ve done, I just haven’t done it too good,
Cause all that’s left is yearning.
I guess I’m still trapped in the past, unable to move on. Unable to let go of past grievances and inevitably like a house of cards, it all just came toppling down. In my defense, I have done every thing short of having a total nervous break down (which actually happened anyway) from trying to make my relationship perfect, which I think, cost me a great chunk of my sanity.
Is it wrong to want that old spark back, instead of living with the old shoe feeling? I have been disgustingly female about the whole thing from the start, expecting things that no normal male would dredge up on his own sans a literal neon colored sigh telling him what to do.
This is the greatest fault of all females since the world began. (I can imagine women in caves hinting their males to stop dragging them by their hair, and switch to holding hands instead har, har). Digressing aside, our greatest mistake is keeping quiet, expecting that the men in our lives have somehow moved up the evolutionary chart and developed the ability to read minds. Yep, it is a big mistake to keep one’s pie-hole shut when it comes to stuff that we want and need. I don’t know why I keep falling into that idea that the males that I read about, that happen to be products of a female author’s mind, know what to do. They seem to know how to melt a girl. It’s no secret that I take pleasure in reading those bloody romance novels to somehow live vicariously through the girl being wooed and pursued. Silly me, those men are the projections of the author’s hidden desires or even deep fantasies. Dear lord, I’ve become one of those females that are perpetually stuck in LA – LA land, drooling over fictitious men, I mean, what male would come up with stuff like that any way? Perhaps I should give them more credit,; maybe the resourceful ones have a few aces up their sleeve.
Honestly, the old shoe feeling may be comfortable and familiar, but if it is kept that way, it can ruin any relationship.
I want to find my way back to that place where everything was less of a disaster, and more of a warm cocoon that kept the cruel world at bay. Regrettably, I have lost that; I can’t seem to snap out of it.
The thought that seems to be playing on an unending loop in my head is “I don’t want to be like my Mother, married to someone who gives her more reasons to splinter apart than to radiate with joy”. Perhaps they were happy once before whatever foundation of their relationship crumbled away, and caused them to just drift apart. A trace of the affection is still there, but I know they lost something along the way.
Well, would you look at that, I have just spelled out a hint of my psychological profile, and perhaps for an encore I will narrate the horrors of being related to raving philanderers, libertines, and perpetual jerks, not to mention rather helpless and tolerant women who love to turn the other cheek. Ugh!
Fine, as corny as if may sound, I need to find my way back in to love. Get that warm and fuzzy feeling again., and work on my cake baking skills.
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you
Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go…
'Cause we belong together now…
And yeah…
My Life Would Suck Without You
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