Pseudo Vampire Diary

Dear Diary,

It's 6:49 am and I'm still awake. Yesterday, I woke up at around 6 in the evening. I've become accustomed to sleeping when the sun rises, and rising when it's pitch black in my room. Truth be told, I haven't slept at night in a long time.

Before you start sharpening some stakes and stocking up on garlic cloves, let me save you from committing man slaughter, I am not a Vampire (I wish). Sadly, I'm not some blood sucking creature, albeit, to be honest, the taste of blood isn't that bad- anyway, my body clock is just perpetually working on a rhythm, a routine if you will, that I have set oh, for about 9 months now. My body has become habituated to this odd nocturnal lifestyle, and frankly, I don't mind being some pseudo vamp, it's not that bad.

I'm currently unemployed, ooooh scratch that term, too negative. Let me remedy that- I'm a professional house staying person, at leisure, workingly challenged, temporarily idle, on vacation, soul searching, and hmmm... studying to be a superhero.

I was planning to work on my Masters degree (emphasis on the past tense there "was"), but that agenda has been put on hold until further notice. Things changed, and in my case, it changed so fast, I was suffering from an atrocious case of whiplash.

So, here I am, in a constant state of self reflection and suffering from an overdose of otiosity. Not a very good place for me, anyone who has the misfortune (step in to deny this) of knowing me very well is very much aware that I'm not comfortable with being idle, add my obsessive-compulsive nature into the mix, and it doesn't bode well for the world of Trishiee.

It's 7:15 and guess what? I'm still awake. Somebody really has to chip in to get me some therapy, for sleep and for my deteriorating mental health.

I'm partly in a very good and bad place right now. Good, because I'm being thrust into this odd phase that is somehow making me desperate to decipher the things that I really desire. Bad, because, well, I have also been thrust into this state of bedlam and darkness.

I have realized that you should never depend on other people to provide for your happiness. It's common knowlegde that people aren't mind readers, and those who are, they have the voyeuristic disadvantage or advantage of knowing every thought in a person's head (not my idea of a good time). Digressing aside, normal humans are not intimately synced with our thoughts and desires, and yet we still feel surprised when they do something wrong - or perhaps it seemed wrong to us.

It's a simple fact that we are in charge of our lives, ergo, we are in charge of our happiness. However, some people (myself included) have lived their lives banking on other people to make them happy, and this is not entirely healthy. Hitherto, I never realized how horribly distorted my perception was about how my relationship with other people was supposed to work. Upon realizing this, did a great deal of reconnoitering.
I read from a book that only 10% of life happens to us, the other 90% is how we choose to react to what happens to us. More often than not, we end up blaming others for our misfortunes or we blame fate for dealing us an unfortunate turn instead of just looking into ourselves for answers and rising above the adversity as well as learning from our mistakes.

It has been repeated ad nauseum; that life isn't fair, that is a universal truth only to those who cannot find an interesting way to contradict it. Like, life isn't fair, BUT you can't let it stop you from living. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game that counts. Relatively, life may not be fair, but the only thing that matters is you lived your life well, by your rules, not as dictated by other people or long suffering cliches like "Life isn't fair".

I'm coming off as preachy, apologies, this is introspection right here- a very annoying side effect of being un- err... on vacation.
Recently, I became a witness to something that I certainly did not ask for. I'm guessing that it would prove to be traumatic for some, but since I've had my share of traumatic moments in the past, this just feels like the norm for me -or maybe I'm just thoroughly disensitized by unfortunate events.

The way I reacted for that particular moment was a tad disturbing. Somone was weeping in front of me, pouring out very difficult and personal details that was painful and what did I do during that rather disquieting moment? I just stared. I didn't reach out to pat that person's hand, or offered to hug and throw in some comforting words, I just stared unblinkingly. I felt so detached, which is so unlike me. I do have an over-developed saviour/hero complex and at that very moment, I didn't want to "save" that person. What I did was to clinically dissect every bit of information given to me, and I offered that person a plan of action. Instead of coddling and cooing and saying "Oh there there, you'll be all right" I gave what felt like an REBT session (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) this is a technique developed by Albert Ellis.

I did a report on that counseling technique back in college. In a nutshell, REBT is a form of behavior therapy that therapists employ to change their client's irrational beliefs into rational beliefs, which is achieved by the therapist disputing the client's unreasonable thought processes. This bit of knowledge has been stuck in my memory, and ironically, I rarely used it in real life situations.

"Oftentimes. when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps."
~ Lemony Snicket (The Blank Book) ~

I've had the misfortune of knowing a few people who were in a perpetual state of self pity. Before, every time a person like that approched me, I would get this consuming feeling of distress. "How do I help him/her", "What can I do to make things better?"
It came to a point that I dramatically morphed into one of "them" a "self pitier" not my best moment, but ye Gods! that was awful. It turned me into a sad clown, I painted on my happy face, and kept the darkness inside. I still tried to save them but in the long run I broke. Literally.

For a month, I became an empty shell. Angry at myself because no one came to save me, after the "self pitiers" sucked out all the good out of me. When I snapped out of it, I felt like an army vet that came back from the war, seeing all that blood and gore was haunting, and I was suffering from a huge case of post traumatic stress. When those people came to me after my "break" I still got the consuming feeling of distress, but this time, it was different. It was a "Get the hell away from me" sort of distressing feeling.

I no longer felt the need to save them, first of all, why save someone who doesn't have the sense to save themselves? Second, it is a rule that when you try to save a drowning person and they somehow get it into their head to use you as a floatation device (try to drown you as well) it is quite all right for you to forgo the act of saving them. In short, your life, your safety, matters more. In my case, my sanity mattered more.

The epiphany was startling and simple, the power is inherent in all of us, to change our lives and turn our luck around. Other people may offer assistance, but it is up to us to carry it out till the end. Don't depend on others to save you, chances are, they might not know how to do so, and in the end they may disappoint you.

Life isn't fair. Here's something that sums that up nicely....

"People die ..so love them everyday.
Beauty fades.. so look before its gone.
Love changes.. but not the love you give.
And if you love, you'll never be alone. "
— L.J.Smith.

At some point, you will be alone. But there's a difference to being alone and strong to being alone and helpless. So, we just have to try to find that inner peace that allows us to be grateful for what ever good or bad moments that we have. We have to be whole first, so that when we give to others, we won't worry about getting something in return.

Well, well, it's 8:49. That's it, this is enough introspection for me. This vampire is going to bed.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn... "
~Veronica Shoffstall~